They say people in your life are seasons and everything that happen is for a reason

Just got off the phone with Ryan, my ex who happened to call randomly... and we talked for the first time in almost three months. Of course, during this incubation period of 'getting over something' there had been the sporadic discourse of exchanged text messages but hearing someone's voice is much more personal and layered. The addition of a new sense brings currents of memories back in quiet spouts and it's strange. It has made me recount the time that has passed--and most importantly the new people in my life that now super cede the old.

When we broke up in November, it was complete hell. I couldn't eat and dropped over ten pounds in the span of two weeks..sleep was a privilege my body refused me..my life and thought process circumnavigating back to Ryan every minute of every hour no matter what I shoved in my path of consciousness and all I could do was cry and mope and pray each day passed quick so there would be another day between the time we broke up and the present and maybe he'd re-think his decision and through some miracle we could be together. OH YES. It was pathetic. Time has never seemed to creep so languorously about my being before. But then, I got a puppy. I sealed up the cracks in my family relations. I even met someone new who was verbatim perfect according to my expressed wishes of a significant other. And life moved on.

I think I began to feel better as the new year transposed itself on me. So roughly one and a half months after everything happened--not to say I was TOTALLY better but my mind was no longer twisted with perverse and unhealthy thoughts of unhappiness and I could live everyday without feeling like a weight was dragging me to the floor and making my cheeks mop the dirt.

I even began to casually converse with my other ex, Eric and entertained the idea of us getting back together. That was, until he broke into my gmail account, changed the password, repetitively called me a cunt in front of his closest friends..something along the lines of : "YO I wonder why I love such a fucking dumb slut. She really is a slut, you know. Left me for another guy once. But still. I'm here for her. Look at her. Fuckin cunt. You like white dick better right? Than Asian dick? Whore." (this is nearly word for word, mind you in front of many people) and --ah wait. I'm sorry. I am ranting and my bitterness about this all is probably starting to show. ANYWAY, the point is, he took for granted my willingness to be around again. Of course, in all fairness, I was probably rebounding. I have never been 'single' for more than 3 weeks since freshman year so I was most likely not thinking as lucidly as I should have when I considered re-dating him. SO I suppose Eric's cruelty was beneficent and fully allowed me to move on. Some people can not change, no matter what.

THEN HE WENT TO JAIL FOR DRUNK DRIVING. And came back bearing fruit-ful promises of forever and vindication that he had changed and was a better man than before. He cried, begged, pleaded, promised, swore. And for the first time, I did not let that affect me and I let him go. I had more dignity to be single than with someone who had treated me like shit and it was empowering.

And now I feel on the brink of that happening again, but with a different ex. In lieu of an almost deadly van crash on the iced over roads, he immediately contacted me to tell me I was still the number one person in his life and that I had never lost my place in his heart. The texts, since that day of impending death, have become more frequent..even daring enough to jump from texts to the ominous phone call--a dubious honor. In addition, he is insisting that I be the first person he sees on his home-coming to which I am complying....only because I want to talk, to catch up and then to snip the idea of us getting back together away again. We will always be friends, but the time has passed of us being together.

So what I'm really wondering as I type all of this mumbo jumbo up is: Why do people realize they love you when it's too late?

Nothing is static in life and to believe or hope so would be foolish. Life itself is entropic. And we are all songs that crescendo and end softly. Or maybe buildings already set on fire that are burning and crumbling. Perhaps that is why we treasure memories or pictures so much--because they can not be touched and exist in singular time as the closest thing we might get to forever..being fickle humans and all.

Knowing that everything changes is depressing. Perhaps I will quote Kanye West and say "People in your life are seasons and everything that happen is for a reason." Yeeeeeah. The revolving door of people ..the lack of parity when it comes to hellos and goodbyes...it makes my heart hurt. and I wish I could say this more genuinely or that maybe when I typed it you could REALLY see how greatly I feel on the matter..but you can't. And I can't. And all I have are these silly words. Still, 2010 has taught me how to let people go and that it's okay. I mean, everything is okay in the end right. That is one thing I believe. If I believe in anything at all.