no cwyin' on the holidayssssss :(

There is this small lady at Costco who just looks like a lil bag of bones with skin stretched around and poofy bright hair and a gap-toothed grin and she always wears a floral top. I like her and today she was hysterical and crying. No one else in the store really noticed though, or maybe they just didn't care as she scrambled to punch out and said she was leaving for good and heaved a lot of dry sobs that made me question if she was initially laughing or crying. o.O The whole situation made me want to do...something though, except nothing really came to mind and I just awkwardly hand her a tissue and told her not to be sad because the holidays were here. I patted her back too and tried to convey how much I really wanted her to have a good holiday... that I wasn't just saying it because she was ignored or she was crying or anything dumb like that. I mean, I'm pretty apathetic to most everyone so it's not like it should matter that much. But I hoped she had a cool house with a fireplace and even a family who cared enough to buy her chinese food like mine did when she came home to them. Just something, you know? Ah babbling.


Then again, I probably would hate someone like me if I was the one crying. Annoying trying to do-gooder >:|

Where's the reset button hereeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I honestly really always feel two steps behind happiness. But I'm not sad. Not at all! Maybe I would rather be that though. A sad little human crying on Christmas Eve hehe. Not a happy thought :/ but

at least it would be something and I might know how to fix it a little better.

If I don't talk to you, I'm scared of what you'll do

I can't look at crying people

I stared at the car window as I cradled my chin in my hand and de-focused my vision so that the drops of condensation and melted snow became glitter and the adjacent street lights spilled yellow into their breasts and my window was now the universe. And all the stars could be pressed and destroyed beneath the top pad of my fingers. And I was God now.


As God I would make sure that the sky was free of cataracts and that nobody ate turkey and garlic mash alone and that everybody had somebody to go home and bury themselves in warm blankets with.

And you would be there, too. But you wouldn't be crying because you wouldn't be that happy or that sad.. but you'd still have mud and dander on your face because I like that. And you'd have someone beside you who loved you even more because of that muddy, grubby face. I'd be happy for you too.

Sooo, I didn't blink for really long because I knew that as soon as I did, you would still be crying and I would still just be saying "It's Okay" and making everything worse.

I could never be totally impartial to you.

Sometimes

I feel like I might possibly be the most unfriendly person in the world.

I wish I could care about something the way that everyone else seems to be able to. I wish so much that I could be passionate about something, that there was someone or anything at all that I could fully engross my whole being into rather than just pieces of myself. I don't have a favorite anything, really. I don't have strong opinions on any particular subject either and it is bothersome. I'm just a lethargic bum :x

Nothing really seems to effect me the way it should either but that is probably due to my lack of feeling toward subjects in the first place. People die, and I can't even care enough to cry. Everyone assumes that I'm just paralyzed with shock or that I'm being a trooper and bottling up my feelings but they aren't even there to begin with. :/ One can't cry about something one doesn't care about. Simmilarly, one can't be happy with presents or friends or people that one doesn't care about either.

I sound horrible.

Honestly though, I really just want to give my heart away to something without hesitation or regret. I've yet to find anything worthy of that. Hmm.

RANT

I feel like my chest is saturated with anger and I don't know what to do, or how to handle it other than typing this dumb and meaningless rant.

I can't stand it sometimes.

Everyday I remember something new that I lost when my mother, with her reactionary anger, went crazy and threw everything of my 20 years of existence (over-dramatic..) away and it makes me feel overwhelmed at times. What am I to her? A little puppet in the cavity of her home ? A child without feeling, another one of her gaudy collectible dolls? How could she take everything that was tangibly precious to me and discard of it so easily? Pictures, books, notes, folded up diary entries, sentimental gifts, videos--nothing was spared. Forget the clothes or money or games I've also collected over the year because it was never about monetary value. Ever. And I always act like everything is Okay, but each day is like losing something new and so akin to my pride and my feelings of worth as a human just seem to diminish each time I realize how easy it was for her to kick me out and make me live miserably for 3 weeks in a stupid little dorm with the worst feelings ever.

I don't think I had ever been so depressed in my entire life and it wasn't the absence of clothes or a car or a phone that got to me--
it was the absence of friends. Of having someone there who cared.

Why did I stay with Eric; someone who took 300 dollars from me when I didn't even have enough money to buy myself socks. Someone who made me wait in the cold for him for two hours because he promised to pick me up and never showed up. How fucking humiliating. I was reduced to waiting for rides that never came, sitting alone in rooms without the conversation of even a TV and told to wait patiently like a child while he went out drinking and then stumbled back drunk, stupid and puking while I cleaned up the aftermath. And yet...why was I so happy to see him every time he came back. Why did I run over to him smiling like he was the greatest thing in the world since he was helping me out just to get told that I was a sickening burden to him that he shouldn't have to deal with. Fuck me.

I cried almost every night those 3 weeks but I convinced everyone that I was having the time of my life and an unreasonable part of me wants to complain...

or not complain, wish rather, someone knew me better than everything.

I'm pitying myself now. Fuck that.

But I just feel so useless sometimes when the people I love the most treat everything so carelessly. I suppose it's my fault too, acting in such an apathetic way but I do care. I care so much.

And now I'm home and nothing has changed. Circumstantially, some of it is my fault. My parents are never totally un-fair I suppose.

And today. Why would you do that? Such a silly and thought-less thing that I shouldn't care about but--
I really don't understand how I'm not worth more than that to you.

God, I fucking hate everything sometimes. :/ New Years 09 come soon
this entry stinks :( swirly self-pity everywhere wahwahwah but i just needed to write it, for once.
I just had to vent >:|