There is this small lady at Costco who just looks like a lil bag of bones with skin stretched around and poofy bright hair and a gap-toothed grin and she always wears a floral top. I like her and today she was hysterical and crying. No one else in the store really noticed though, or maybe they just didn't care as she scrambled to punch out and said she was leaving for good and heaved a lot of dry sobs that made me question if she was initially laughing or crying. o.O The whole situation made me want to do...something though, except nothing really came to mind and I just awkwardly hand her a tissue and told her not to be sad because the holidays were here. I patted her back too and tried to convey how much I really wanted her to have a good holiday... that I wasn't just saying it because she was ignored or she was crying or anything dumb like that. I mean, I'm pretty apathetic to most everyone so it's not like it should matter that much. But I hoped she had a cool house with a fireplace and even a family who cared enough to buy her chinese food like mine did when she came home to them. Just something, you know? Ah babbling.
Then again, I probably would hate someone like me if I was the one crying. Annoying trying to do-gooder >:|
Where's the reset button hereeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I honestly really always feel two steps behind happiness. But I'm not sad. Not at all! Maybe I would rather be that though. A sad little human crying on Christmas Eve hehe. Not a happy thought :/ but
at least it would be something and I might know how to fix it a little better.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
If I don't talk to you, I'm scared of what you'll do
I can't look at crying people
I stared at the car window as I cradled my chin in my hand and de-focused my vision so that the drops of condensation and melted snow became glitter and the adjacent street lights spilled yellow into their breasts and my window was now the universe. And all the stars could be pressed and destroyed beneath the top pad of my fingers. And I was God now.
As God I would make sure that the sky was free of cataracts and that nobody ate turkey and garlic mash alone and that everybody had somebody to go home and bury themselves in warm blankets with.
And you would be there, too. But you wouldn't be crying because you wouldn't be that happy or that sad.. but you'd still have mud and dander on your face because I like that. And you'd have someone beside you who loved you even more because of that muddy, grubby face. I'd be happy for you too.
Sooo, I didn't blink for really long because I knew that as soon as I did, you would still be crying and I would still just be saying "It's Okay" and making everything worse.
I could never be totally impartial to you.
I stared at the car window as I cradled my chin in my hand and de-focused my vision so that the drops of condensation and melted snow became glitter and the adjacent street lights spilled yellow into their breasts and my window was now the universe. And all the stars could be pressed and destroyed beneath the top pad of my fingers. And I was God now.
As God I would make sure that the sky was free of cataracts and that nobody ate turkey and garlic mash alone and that everybody had somebody to go home and bury themselves in warm blankets with.
And you would be there, too. But you wouldn't be crying because you wouldn't be that happy or that sad.. but you'd still have mud and dander on your face because I like that. And you'd have someone beside you who loved you even more because of that muddy, grubby face. I'd be happy for you too.
Sooo, I didn't blink for really long because I knew that as soon as I did, you would still be crying and I would still just be saying "It's Okay" and making everything worse.
I could never be totally impartial to you.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sometimes
I feel like I might possibly be the most unfriendly person in the world.
I wish I could care about something the way that everyone else seems to be able to. I wish so much that I could be passionate about something, that there was someone or anything at all that I could fully engross my whole being into rather than just pieces of myself. I don't have a favorite anything, really. I don't have strong opinions on any particular subject either and it is bothersome. I'm just a lethargic bum :x
Nothing really seems to effect me the way it should either but that is probably due to my lack of feeling toward subjects in the first place. People die, and I can't even care enough to cry. Everyone assumes that I'm just paralyzed with shock or that I'm being a trooper and bottling up my feelings but they aren't even there to begin with. :/ One can't cry about something one doesn't care about. Simmilarly, one can't be happy with presents or friends or people that one doesn't care about either.
I sound horrible.
Honestly though, I really just want to give my heart away to something without hesitation or regret. I've yet to find anything worthy of that. Hmm.
I wish I could care about something the way that everyone else seems to be able to. I wish so much that I could be passionate about something, that there was someone or anything at all that I could fully engross my whole being into rather than just pieces of myself. I don't have a favorite anything, really. I don't have strong opinions on any particular subject either and it is bothersome. I'm just a lethargic bum :x
Nothing really seems to effect me the way it should either but that is probably due to my lack of feeling toward subjects in the first place. People die, and I can't even care enough to cry. Everyone assumes that I'm just paralyzed with shock or that I'm being a trooper and bottling up my feelings but they aren't even there to begin with. :/ One can't cry about something one doesn't care about. Simmilarly, one can't be happy with presents or friends or people that one doesn't care about either.
I sound horrible.
Honestly though, I really just want to give my heart away to something without hesitation or regret. I've yet to find anything worthy of that. Hmm.
Monday, December 1, 2008
RANT
I feel like my chest is saturated with anger and I don't know what to do, or how to handle it other than typing this dumb and meaningless rant.
I can't stand it sometimes.
Everyday I remember something new that I lost when my mother, with her reactionary anger, went crazy and threw everything of my 20 years of existence (over-dramatic..) away and it makes me feel overwhelmed at times. What am I to her? A little puppet in the cavity of her home ? A child without feeling, another one of her gaudy collectible dolls? How could she take everything that was tangibly precious to me and discard of it so easily? Pictures, books, notes, folded up diary entries, sentimental gifts, videos--nothing was spared. Forget the clothes or money or games I've also collected over the year because it was never about monetary value. Ever. And I always act like everything is Okay, but each day is like losing something new and so akin to my pride and my feelings of worth as a human just seem to diminish each time I realize how easy it was for her to kick me out and make me live miserably for 3 weeks in a stupid little dorm with the worst feelings ever.
I don't think I had ever been so depressed in my entire life and it wasn't the absence of clothes or a car or a phone that got to me--
it was the absence of friends. Of having someone there who cared.
Why did I stay with Eric; someone who took 300 dollars from me when I didn't even have enough money to buy myself socks. Someone who made me wait in the cold for him for two hours because he promised to pick me up and never showed up. How fucking humiliating. I was reduced to waiting for rides that never came, sitting alone in rooms without the conversation of even a TV and told to wait patiently like a child while he went out drinking and then stumbled back drunk, stupid and puking while I cleaned up the aftermath. And yet...why was I so happy to see him every time he came back. Why did I run over to him smiling like he was the greatest thing in the world since he was helping me out just to get told that I was a sickening burden to him that he shouldn't have to deal with. Fuck me.
I cried almost every night those 3 weeks but I convinced everyone that I was having the time of my life and an unreasonable part of me wants to complain...
or not complain, wish rather, someone knew me better than everything.
I'm pitying myself now. Fuck that.
But I just feel so useless sometimes when the people I love the most treat everything so carelessly. I suppose it's my fault too, acting in such an apathetic way but I do care. I care so much.
And now I'm home and nothing has changed. Circumstantially, some of it is my fault. My parents are never totally un-fair I suppose.
And today. Why would you do that? Such a silly and thought-less thing that I shouldn't care about but--
I really don't understand how I'm not worth more than that to you.
God, I fucking hate everything sometimes. :/ New Years 09 come soon
this entry stinks :( swirly self-pity everywhere wahwahwah but i just needed to write it, for once.
I just had to vent >:|
Sunday, November 30, 2008
change :o
Today I applied to four CUNY schools and am looking forward to a prolific life in the city away from Stonybrook, the past, and the meaningless friendships I've made to merely survive. The prospect of leaving my house is exciting, though I'm worried about being lonely in a new and unfamiliar place. Maybe it's a situation that will be good for me though. Tuesday, I'm taking a trip to Ridgefield alone and getting my hair cut and dyed in a crazy and obnoxiously different fashion too. My piercing, my hair, my school, and a trip someplace make me want to cry. I have 600 dollars saved up for my trip so far though I have no clue where I would like to go. Anywhere is better than here though. I even ordered a new NIKON P80 camera (perfect to record my new memories) that I am very excited to get soon. My new pink blackberry cell phone should also arrive in the mail within the next week and I'll be able to contact people again :) I feel like life is finally going the way I planned and I'm scared and anxious and blooming with feelings I can't even put my finger on. I think I let go of the past too. Or at least I'm doing so day by day. It's more of a continuous process that happens in pieces really and I think thus far I've been successful. I guess that's what brought about these monumental changes actually.
These past two years I felt like my limbs were chained to something beneath the ground that would drag my cheeks down to mop the dirt. I don't want to feel like that anymore.
College life was great in the beginning. The times I spent were warm and memorable and then I met Eric and my social life disappeared into sweetness and fighting and a life that revolved around him. I lost so many people because of my volatile relationship and I never want that to happen again. I made the wrong friends, too. I've come to think, in fact, that I'm incapable of making friends based on my sociability and personality alone. I attracted sorority and fraternity life because of my outer appearance--I look like someone who would enjoy smoking, drinking and the endless nights of partying common-place on campus. It's offensive, but I never stopped to think about it and embraced those people around me as 'friends.' I wasted countless nights at parties and tried to force myself to be comfortable, all the while convincing myself that I was happy with the experiences I gained when I wasn't.
All I want are people who will play tag with me in the evening, watch cartoon marathons, and play iron-chef and jump off the swing contests. I hate drinking. I hate being around drunk people but I sensitized those feelings for my 'friends' and relationship. I don't want to do that anymoreeeee.
I miss the real good friends. I miss driving with the moon-roof down on a fall night and shouting to the world that it was my birthday and laughing so hard that it burned. I miss crashing kayaks into grassy inlets and the happiness I felt when I saw my first shooting star. I miss cold flushing mornings and warm potatoes and running through the rain arm-in-arm. I want to work towards these feelings again. Those times. That happiness.
I look back too much. I still do. Sometimes, each day is a process of convincing myself why I'm better off where I am now. I'm working to believe that I'm moving forward instead of lapping around in circles.
These past two years I felt like my limbs were chained to something beneath the ground that would drag my cheeks down to mop the dirt. I don't want to feel like that anymore.
College life was great in the beginning. The times I spent were warm and memorable and then I met Eric and my social life disappeared into sweetness and fighting and a life that revolved around him. I lost so many people because of my volatile relationship and I never want that to happen again. I made the wrong friends, too. I've come to think, in fact, that I'm incapable of making friends based on my sociability and personality alone. I attracted sorority and fraternity life because of my outer appearance--I look like someone who would enjoy smoking, drinking and the endless nights of partying common-place on campus. It's offensive, but I never stopped to think about it and embraced those people around me as 'friends.' I wasted countless nights at parties and tried to force myself to be comfortable, all the while convincing myself that I was happy with the experiences I gained when I wasn't.
All I want are people who will play tag with me in the evening, watch cartoon marathons, and play iron-chef and jump off the swing contests. I hate drinking. I hate being around drunk people but I sensitized those feelings for my 'friends' and relationship. I don't want to do that anymoreeeee.
I miss the real good friends. I miss driving with the moon-roof down on a fall night and shouting to the world that it was my birthday and laughing so hard that it burned. I miss crashing kayaks into grassy inlets and the happiness I felt when I saw my first shooting star. I miss cold flushing mornings and warm potatoes and running through the rain arm-in-arm. I want to work towards these feelings again. Those times. That happiness.
I look back too much. I still do. Sometimes, each day is a process of convincing myself why I'm better off where I am now. I'm working to believe that I'm moving forward instead of lapping around in circles.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Generic Update?
So, I'm trying to just give a genuine look into my life thus far without dumb lyrics, quotes, and convoluted garble that I was prone to before.
I got an "industrial piercing" 2 days ago at a small tattoo parlor on Middle Country Road on the way home. I walked in and out within ten minutes and the whole process was very sporadic, very random, slightly painful, but felt ...good. Really good. I hardly ever have that sort of control in my life and the small privilege to make a decision without the worry of later tip-toeing around the repercussions was great; the piercing was indicative of gaining something I feel like I'm groping for each day. Meh. Dumb. I wish I could articulate those feelings better.
Also, I visited a psychic who talked mainly about my relationship and family life. It was interesting, a little generic, but refreshing in some way. And even though half of it seemed like some contrived bull shit, it made me want to be better too.. and anything that makes you feel like that can't be all that bad.
Today I weighed myself too. Almost 107 pounds and it's really depressing. I don't know why I've been gaining weight, but I need to stop. If I tell other people my apprehension, they scoff and think I'm being dumb since I know 107 is nowhere near 'obese,' so I can't. I really feel that I was at my happiest at 99 pounds though and that's where I want to be again. At that weight, every article of clothing looked great and I didn't dread looking in the mirror. I need to believe I can feel that again. Hmm. Anorexia? Just kidding. But seriously. I think it's about time that I went on a real workout regime. I just want to push forward with self-improvement.
gogogo fightiiiiing~~!!~!~! >:o
I got an "industrial piercing" 2 days ago at a small tattoo parlor on Middle Country Road on the way home. I walked in and out within ten minutes and the whole process was very sporadic, very random, slightly painful, but felt ...good. Really good. I hardly ever have that sort of control in my life and the small privilege to make a decision without the worry of later tip-toeing around the repercussions was great; the piercing was indicative of gaining something I feel like I'm groping for each day. Meh. Dumb. I wish I could articulate those feelings better.
Also, I visited a psychic who talked mainly about my relationship and family life. It was interesting, a little generic, but refreshing in some way. And even though half of it seemed like some contrived bull shit, it made me want to be better too.. and anything that makes you feel like that can't be all that bad.
Today I weighed myself too. Almost 107 pounds and it's really depressing. I don't know why I've been gaining weight, but I need to stop. If I tell other people my apprehension, they scoff and think I'm being dumb since I know 107 is nowhere near 'obese,' so I can't. I really feel that I was at my happiest at 99 pounds though and that's where I want to be again. At that weight, every article of clothing looked great and I didn't dread looking in the mirror. I need to believe I can feel that again. Hmm. Anorexia? Just kidding. But seriously. I think it's about time that I went on a real workout regime. I just want to push forward with self-improvement.
gogogo fightiiiiing~~!!~!~! >:o
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
She smelled like cookies :3
and she smiled at me and had a parka on. The store was chilly. The great metal lights swung across the tops of our brains and made her uneasy. She commented on their precarious sweeps.
And as she walked away, I immediately thought of how easy it would be to love her.
I want to know everyone. It's upsetting that I can't and it feels like I'm missing out.
And as she walked away, I immediately thought of how easy it would be to love her.
I want to know everyone. It's upsetting that I can't and it feels like I'm missing out.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
What's a blog, anyway--
Well well well....
Hi! This is awkward. And my first post. So here I go shooting the breeze with myself; or maybe I have a listener. O_O
Do I want listeners?
Ahhh. When I think about that, when I REALLY sit down and think of speaking to a specific audience, I freeze. My tongue, my convictions, my thoughts, all become less fluid and then suddenly I'm sifting through a repository of words lodged in my brain, wondering what specific term would sound most adequate and well-received....rather than just allowing my feelings and worries their own untampered trajectories. What do I really feel. What do I want to say. Hell, most of the time I don't even know. Even what I just wrote now, it doesn't feel totally genuine to what I had meant to portray. Pretty words. Lost feelings. But I won't edit it. Gosh, I hate me sometimes >_< lol.
Life has left me arrested to a mosh-pit of work and my own emotional flotsam and confusion. School makes me apprehensive lately; I haven't been to class in three weeks and now I'm scared to go again. It's like everything in my life. I don't have the heart to stay in, I don't have the will to go out. wah wah wah. I'm really trying fleece apart all of these thoughts that I've been having lately. And sleep seems so sweet and light and simple and right, but I just can't allow myself the transaction of rest at the cost of thought... and I wind up staying up till 5am everyday. It's kind of annoying actually. Why am I REALLY bothered--I don't know. But every little brush feels like a continuous rip that's about to be pulled apart and separated. Like I'm going to be separated in some weird, overtly emo way. But hey! Let's not get the wrong impression about how I am lately. Life has been treating me well and I have no major complaints. I'm pretty sure I'm happy. I mean, I have no reason not to be. But then, do we ever really have reason enough for that?
This blog thing is okay. I'll write more later.
Hi! This is awkward. And my first post. So here I go shooting the breeze with myself; or maybe I have a listener. O_O
Do I want listeners?
Ahhh. When I think about that, when I REALLY sit down and think of speaking to a specific audience, I freeze. My tongue, my convictions, my thoughts, all become less fluid and then suddenly I'm sifting through a repository of words lodged in my brain, wondering what specific term would sound most adequate and well-received....rather than just allowing my feelings and worries their own untampered trajectories. What do I really feel. What do I want to say. Hell, most of the time I don't even know. Even what I just wrote now, it doesn't feel totally genuine to what I had meant to portray. Pretty words. Lost feelings. But I won't edit it. Gosh, I hate me sometimes >_< lol.
Life has left me arrested to a mosh-pit of work and my own emotional flotsam and confusion. School makes me apprehensive lately; I haven't been to class in three weeks and now I'm scared to go again. It's like everything in my life. I don't have the heart to stay in, I don't have the will to go out. wah wah wah. I'm really trying fleece apart all of these thoughts that I've been having lately. And sleep seems so sweet and light and simple and right, but I just can't allow myself the transaction of rest at the cost of thought... and I wind up staying up till 5am everyday. It's kind of annoying actually. Why am I REALLY bothered--I don't know. But every little brush feels like a continuous rip that's about to be pulled apart and separated. Like I'm going to be separated in some weird, overtly emo way. But hey! Let's not get the wrong impression about how I am lately. Life has been treating me well and I have no major complaints. I'm pretty sure I'm happy. I mean, I have no reason not to be. But then, do we ever really have reason enough for that?
This blog thing is okay. I'll write more later.
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