too bad that'll never happen
Sunday, July 11, 2010
i wish
I could say goodbye to bangs, cosmetics and contacts and feel completely comfortable in my skin.
too bad that'll never happen
too bad that'll never happen
Friday, June 4, 2010
Ko Ko Ko Korea
I am officially done with Costco and now I'm just waiting to leave for the mother-land. I actually can't wait.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
It's 3:30am and I should be sleeping in lieu of my Anthropology test/quiz but I'll repetitiously state that I can not allow myself the transaction of rest at the cost of thought. Today I will admonish my verbose way of typing...I just WANT A REAL BLOG ENTRY. Not a flowery, over processed bull shit one. YUP SO ANYWAY, China Night is coming up soon and I'm undeniably the 'fattest' I have ever been throughout my four years in college which is mildly depressing. Because weight seems to drip off me naturally during the summer, I don't even have the fortitude to diet..since I..NEVER have before. So I'll just be embarrassing and fat in front of everyone. NBD. Whatever. I stopped caring since in retrospect, it is not like I am looking to impress anyone, anyway.
In other news, Korea is looking really good. I am probably leaving late May and will return in July. Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Today was a pretty strange day. I was so aversive to any human contact. The truth of the matter is, concerning my family, I still have not forgiven them for many things and when I really stop to mull over the past and how it has affected me now..I get so ..angry. I'm still mad as hell. In fact I merely think of the fistful of 'nice' things they do for me as slivers of debt they ought to provision to my being. Why is it so hard for me to be happy?
My ideal life would consist of traveling around the world (poor countries) and playing with/teaching orphans. I'd have a business near my home in NY creating sweet pastries and Korean snacks that would do well enough to flourish without my help (allowing me to travel) and I'd set up my own orphanage in Africa with any extra money I made. I'd drive an ice cream truck to pick up spare cash when I was home and not with the orphans and I'd be in love with someone who loved me unconditionally and was, ideally , more responsible than I. OH, and I'd write about my experiences and publish a book. I could not imagine a better life than this. Sounds like the bestestttt life ever in my book. Wahaha.
Another random topic. Love. What is that, anyway?
Certainly not something that I am good at. I expect so much and when my expectations aren't reached, I grow withdrawn..defensive..mean..caustic. Realistically there is no one who could really 'meet' my expectations because they are so amorphous and change--even if one initially is a paragon of what I asked for. I think. Wait, that's not true. I don't know. Shit. I'm just being nice cause this is a public blog TBH. But I digress. I'm complaining too much again.
In other news, Korea is looking really good. I am probably leaving late May and will return in July. Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Today was a pretty strange day. I was so aversive to any human contact. The truth of the matter is, concerning my family, I still have not forgiven them for many things and when I really stop to mull over the past and how it has affected me now..I get so ..angry. I'm still mad as hell. In fact I merely think of the fistful of 'nice' things they do for me as slivers of debt they ought to provision to my being. Why is it so hard for me to be happy?
My ideal life would consist of traveling around the world (poor countries) and playing with/teaching orphans. I'd have a business near my home in NY creating sweet pastries and Korean snacks that would do well enough to flourish without my help (allowing me to travel) and I'd set up my own orphanage in Africa with any extra money I made. I'd drive an ice cream truck to pick up spare cash when I was home and not with the orphans and I'd be in love with someone who loved me unconditionally and was, ideally , more responsible than I. OH, and I'd write about my experiences and publish a book. I could not imagine a better life than this. Sounds like the bestestttt life ever in my book. Wahaha.
Another random topic. Love. What is that, anyway?
Certainly not something that I am good at. I expect so much and when my expectations aren't reached, I grow withdrawn..defensive..mean..caustic. Realistically there is no one who could really 'meet' my expectations because they are so amorphous and change--even if one initially is a paragon of what I asked for. I think. Wait, that's not true. I don't know. Shit. I'm just being nice cause this is a public blog TBH. But I digress. I'm complaining too much again.
You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Isn't it weird
that if someone is interested in you, you can almost immediately tell if you will be interested in them within the first five minutes of interaction? Of course, this is a culmination of attitude, looks, personality, stimuli response, maybe even gland secretion we don't pick up on consciously but STILL. You know when someone possesses the ability to breach the friend barrier and conversely, when they will always, no matter how well you get along or how 'perfect' they may later be compatibility wise...I repeat ALWAYS stay stagnant in the friend zone. I wonder why this is. People I choose to date aren't particularly attractive and I can readily admit when not blinded by love and affection that I have friends I'd never consider dating that are more appealing than my past boyfriends in terms of looks--yet still. It's some weird soupy mixture that's hard to pin point. With that being said, I realize how difficult it is to truly find somebody 'special' and have decided not to sit by recumbent and let them get away if I did. And someone came along in December who I found to be most likable and sweet. And yet, it's really confusing.
I miss the showy affection of my first relationship. The sappy profile pictures littered with each other that sometimes matched, the cute public messages that made some people gag, the simple act of holding hands on campus and everyone being able to identify us as a unit rather than individuals. I miss piggy backing through campus and rolling down grassy hills together, sitting on staller steps and looking at clouds while waving at people we knew that passed. I miss...a lot.
"Seeing someone" just isn't the same as being some body's girlfriend. Not even close.
Still, what right do I have to complain?
I miss the showy affection of my first relationship. The sappy profile pictures littered with each other that sometimes matched, the cute public messages that made some people gag, the simple act of holding hands on campus and everyone being able to identify us as a unit rather than individuals. I miss piggy backing through campus and rolling down grassy hills together, sitting on staller steps and looking at clouds while waving at people we knew that passed. I miss...a lot.
"Seeing someone" just isn't the same as being some body's girlfriend. Not even close.
Still, what right do I have to complain?
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
So much coughin I should be a mortician
I am sick of coughing so profusely that I have to throw up. Sigh.
On a side note but in lieu of ECASSU and a serendipitous moment I had there with my first ex....
Losing things always perturbs me. No matter what I say or how I reassure myself--I will always be sad about everything changing and about relations with people being ephemeral and lost since life itself is essentially about loss and gain and the dynamics between said two. A parity I have yet to find.
My brain feels weighed down with worry sometimes that I'm doing everything wrong and that I'll miss what I let go of now in some eventual epiphany that I grievously miscalculated. I just want so much from life..to keep so many things.. that sometimes, I find myself in a weird panic. I rack my mind to remember every moment, every memory precisely, every smell, every brush..little things like songs people liked to hum when we were close friends or the way they moved their hands when they spoke in an exaggerated tone. And when I realize I can't remember everything the way I once might have...... I start to feel sick. Like I'm losing it. Like I'm losing them. Even though I probably already lost them in someway, but now I can't even hold the remnants of memories and I'm letting go all over again. It's horribly depressing.
You know what would be really neat? If when we die, someone organized a slideshow of random moments from our lives that we got to watch. We could see it from 3rd person perspective and maybe moments we could no longer recount but should be able to ...like laughing with a friend over something dumb a random day that had no real consequence to the future..maybe stuff like that would show up all the time cause that's what's really important in the end. Fuck the white light at the end of a tunnel shit. I want a slide-show.
I can't stop coughinggggg. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop feeling bad about all of this for some reason. It's just hard to trust in yourself and your decisions when you've fucked up for 21 years of your existence, you know.
On a side note but in lieu of ECASSU and a serendipitous moment I had there with my first ex....
Losing things always perturbs me. No matter what I say or how I reassure myself--I will always be sad about everything changing and about relations with people being ephemeral and lost since life itself is essentially about loss and gain and the dynamics between said two. A parity I have yet to find.
My brain feels weighed down with worry sometimes that I'm doing everything wrong and that I'll miss what I let go of now in some eventual epiphany that I grievously miscalculated. I just want so much from life..to keep so many things.. that sometimes, I find myself in a weird panic. I rack my mind to remember every moment, every memory precisely, every smell, every brush..little things like songs people liked to hum when we were close friends or the way they moved their hands when they spoke in an exaggerated tone. And when I realize I can't remember everything the way I once might have...... I start to feel sick. Like I'm losing it. Like I'm losing them. Even though I probably already lost them in someway, but now I can't even hold the remnants of memories and I'm letting go all over again. It's horribly depressing.
You know what would be really neat? If when we die, someone organized a slideshow of random moments from our lives that we got to watch. We could see it from 3rd person perspective and maybe moments we could no longer recount but should be able to ...like laughing with a friend over something dumb a random day that had no real consequence to the future..maybe stuff like that would show up all the time cause that's what's really important in the end. Fuck the white light at the end of a tunnel shit. I want a slide-show.
I can't stop coughinggggg. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop feeling bad about all of this for some reason. It's just hard to trust in yourself and your decisions when you've fucked up for 21 years of your existence, you know.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
strange fruit recap
This is a Durian..a strange fruit. The insides were the consistency of pudding and it smelled like sulfurous dead carcass when opened. (March 2nd)
And this is a dragon fruit. ^^^^VVVVV both opened and un-opened. Very pretty and very good. (March 2nd)
:)
Friday, February 26, 2010
They say people in your life are seasons and everything that happen is for a reason
Just got off the phone with Ryan, my ex who happened to call randomly... and we talked for the first time in almost three months. Of course, during this incubation period of 'getting over something' there had been the sporadic discourse of exchanged text messages but hearing someone's voice is much more personal and layered. The addition of a new sense brings currents of memories back in quiet spouts and it's strange. It has made me recount the time that has passed--and most importantly the new people in my life that now super cede the old.
When we broke up in November, it was complete hell. I couldn't eat and dropped over ten pounds in the span of two weeks..sleep was a privilege my body refused me..my life and thought process circumnavigating back to Ryan every minute of every hour no matter what I shoved in my path of consciousness and all I could do was cry and mope and pray each day passed quick so there would be another day between the time we broke up and the present and maybe he'd re-think his decision and through some miracle we could be together. OH YES. It was pathetic. Time has never seemed to creep so languorously about my being before. But then, I got a puppy. I sealed up the cracks in my family relations. I even met someone new who was verbatim perfect according to my expressed wishes of a significant other. And life moved on.
I think I began to feel better as the new year transposed itself on me. So roughly one and a half months after everything happened--not to say I was TOTALLY better but my mind was no longer twisted with perverse and unhealthy thoughts of unhappiness and I could live everyday without feeling like a weight was dragging me to the floor and making my cheeks mop the dirt.
I even began to casually converse with my other ex, Eric and entertained the idea of us getting back together. That was, until he broke into my gmail account, changed the password, repetitively called me a cunt in front of his closest friends..something along the lines of : "YO I wonder why I love such a fucking dumb slut. She really is a slut, you know. Left me for another guy once. But still. I'm here for her. Look at her. Fuckin cunt. You like white dick better right? Than Asian dick? Whore." (this is nearly word for word, mind you in front of many people) and --ah wait. I'm sorry. I am ranting and my bitterness about this all is probably starting to show. ANYWAY, the point is, he took for granted my willingness to be around again. Of course, in all fairness, I was probably rebounding. I have never been 'single' for more than 3 weeks since freshman year so I was most likely not thinking as lucidly as I should have when I considered re-dating him. SO I suppose Eric's cruelty was beneficent and fully allowed me to move on. Some people can not change, no matter what.
THEN HE WENT TO JAIL FOR DRUNK DRIVING. And came back bearing fruit-ful promises of forever and vindication that he had changed and was a better man than before. He cried, begged, pleaded, promised, swore. And for the first time, I did not let that affect me and I let him go. I had more dignity to be single than with someone who had treated me like shit and it was empowering.
And now I feel on the brink of that happening again, but with a different ex. In lieu of an almost deadly van crash on the iced over roads, he immediately contacted me to tell me I was still the number one person in his life and that I had never lost my place in his heart. The texts, since that day of impending death, have become more frequent..even daring enough to jump from texts to the ominous phone call--a dubious honor. In addition, he is insisting that I be the first person he sees on his home-coming to which I am complying....only because I want to talk, to catch up and then to snip the idea of us getting back together away again. We will always be friends, but the time has passed of us being together.
So what I'm really wondering as I type all of this mumbo jumbo up is: Why do people realize they love you when it's too late?
Nothing is static in life and to believe or hope so would be foolish. Life itself is entropic. And we are all songs that crescendo and end softly. Or maybe buildings already set on fire that are burning and crumbling. Perhaps that is why we treasure memories or pictures so much--because they can not be touched and exist in singular time as the closest thing we might get to forever..being fickle humans and all.
Knowing that everything changes is depressing. Perhaps I will quote Kanye West and say "People in your life are seasons and everything that happen is for a reason." Yeeeeeah. The revolving door of people ..the lack of parity when it comes to hellos and goodbyes...it makes my heart hurt. and I wish I could say this more genuinely or that maybe when I typed it you could REALLY see how greatly I feel on the matter..but you can't. And I can't. And all I have are these silly words. Still, 2010 has taught me how to let people go and that it's okay. I mean, everything is okay in the end right. That is one thing I believe. If I believe in anything at all.
When we broke up in November, it was complete hell. I couldn't eat and dropped over ten pounds in the span of two weeks..sleep was a privilege my body refused me..my life and thought process circumnavigating back to Ryan every minute of every hour no matter what I shoved in my path of consciousness and all I could do was cry and mope and pray each day passed quick so there would be another day between the time we broke up and the present and maybe he'd re-think his decision and through some miracle we could be together. OH YES. It was pathetic. Time has never seemed to creep so languorously about my being before. But then, I got a puppy. I sealed up the cracks in my family relations. I even met someone new who was verbatim perfect according to my expressed wishes of a significant other. And life moved on.
I think I began to feel better as the new year transposed itself on me. So roughly one and a half months after everything happened--not to say I was TOTALLY better but my mind was no longer twisted with perverse and unhealthy thoughts of unhappiness and I could live everyday without feeling like a weight was dragging me to the floor and making my cheeks mop the dirt.
I even began to casually converse with my other ex, Eric and entertained the idea of us getting back together. That was, until he broke into my gmail account, changed the password, repetitively called me a cunt in front of his closest friends..something along the lines of : "YO I wonder why I love such a fucking dumb slut. She really is a slut, you know. Left me for another guy once. But still. I'm here for her. Look at her. Fuckin cunt. You like white dick better right? Than Asian dick? Whore." (this is nearly word for word, mind you in front of many people) and --ah wait. I'm sorry. I am ranting and my bitterness about this all is probably starting to show. ANYWAY, the point is, he took for granted my willingness to be around again. Of course, in all fairness, I was probably rebounding. I have never been 'single' for more than 3 weeks since freshman year so I was most likely not thinking as lucidly as I should have when I considered re-dating him. SO I suppose Eric's cruelty was beneficent and fully allowed me to move on. Some people can not change, no matter what.
THEN HE WENT TO JAIL FOR DRUNK DRIVING. And came back bearing fruit-ful promises of forever and vindication that he had changed and was a better man than before. He cried, begged, pleaded, promised, swore. And for the first time, I did not let that affect me and I let him go. I had more dignity to be single than with someone who had treated me like shit and it was empowering.
And now I feel on the brink of that happening again, but with a different ex. In lieu of an almost deadly van crash on the iced over roads, he immediately contacted me to tell me I was still the number one person in his life and that I had never lost my place in his heart. The texts, since that day of impending death, have become more frequent..even daring enough to jump from texts to the ominous phone call--a dubious honor. In addition, he is insisting that I be the first person he sees on his home-coming to which I am complying....only because I want to talk, to catch up and then to snip the idea of us getting back together away again. We will always be friends, but the time has passed of us being together.
So what I'm really wondering as I type all of this mumbo jumbo up is: Why do people realize they love you when it's too late?
Nothing is static in life and to believe or hope so would be foolish. Life itself is entropic. And we are all songs that crescendo and end softly. Or maybe buildings already set on fire that are burning and crumbling. Perhaps that is why we treasure memories or pictures so much--because they can not be touched and exist in singular time as the closest thing we might get to forever..being fickle humans and all.
Knowing that everything changes is depressing. Perhaps I will quote Kanye West and say "People in your life are seasons and everything that happen is for a reason." Yeeeeeah. The revolving door of people ..the lack of parity when it comes to hellos and goodbyes...it makes my heart hurt. and I wish I could say this more genuinely or that maybe when I typed it you could REALLY see how greatly I feel on the matter..but you can't. And I can't. And all I have are these silly words. Still, 2010 has taught me how to let people go and that it's okay. I mean, everything is okay in the end right. That is one thing I believe. If I believe in anything at all.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Hm.
"Do you think I'm wonderful? she asked him one day as they leaned against the trunk of a petrified maple. No, he said. Why? Because so many girls are wonderful. I imagine hundreds of men have called their loves wonderful today, and it's only noon. You couldn't be something that hundreds of others are."- Everything is Illuminated
Saturday, January 23, 2010
GUREE
I decided to stay in solitary confinement today since I am not allowed to shower until tomorrow even though there was an exciting party in the city filled with the most beautiful women I'd ever probably have a chance to interact with. Still, I have been watching GLEE and drinking cola and eating cookies and I'm gonna go ahead and say this was a good choice. Chiyo is so smart and she knows how to shake hands with me now and sit down and sit up. Besides that, I am quietly anticipating the new semester and being able to really work hard at school and work hard at a fit body. Yes. YES.
As far as decision making goes, I am probably not in a good position to decide anything as of lately. Three months later and I still find myself faltering even though my thoughts are 95 percent preoccupied by others. But I still can not choose between those others. I wish I was not always saying "I don't know." Why can't I be the person who passionately says yes or no to something--why must someone always come to me and leave me dumb-founded when they confess their love...I'm eternally the stuttering idiot who lost her tongue. God. I am always the one receiving and then unsure how much or what to receive... or how to even give it back.
I hate the situations you put me in. Hell, I hate you.
As far as decision making goes, I am probably not in a good position to decide anything as of lately. Three months later and I still find myself faltering even though my thoughts are 95 percent preoccupied by others. But I still can not choose between those others. I wish I was not always saying "I don't know." Why can't I be the person who passionately says yes or no to something--why must someone always come to me and leave me dumb-founded when they confess their love...I'm eternally the stuttering idiot who lost her tongue. God. I am always the one receiving and then unsure how much or what to receive... or how to even give it back.
I hate the situations you put me in. Hell, I hate you.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Littlest Things
I have returned. Though I've tried to start other blogs, they all wind up spiraling into something that is far too embarrassing to ever re-read. In fact, my last one had about 20 posts all pertaining to how horrible life was and how I hated being 21.>_< Eek. This one, while far from being 'cheery,' at least had more introspective thought than "HATE LIFE. NEED DEATH. RAWR RAWR RAWR" So I'm going to keep it and just continue on.
Lately, I feel like I'm losing little things everyday. Like the process of a 'loss' is more than the initial 'losing' and it is instead something that validates itself with time..with every day that passes. I'm forgetting so much. Moments are becoming memories in front of me and, to say the least, it's a little disconcerting. Things I always thought would be recumbent by my being are drifting away and I'm changing too despite my stubborn efforts at maintaining Teressa as I know her. I'm struggling to care but it's like pleading to death ears. Like jabbing a needle into a stuffed animal to extricate blood that isn't there. Geh. O_O I'm trying my best at happiness now though.
Today I got my hair straightened in flushing. OH it looks like I was dunked in water and I can't shower for 2 days so as of right now I do not particularly like it...but I know that once I can wash it'll fall into place better. Not only that, but the straight hair accentuates the extra daily winter flab I've gained and I'm determined to hit the gym once school starts. I ate so much today. u_u
Flushing is always a nice time. It's what happens when I come home that morphs my day into despondency. I'm so confused about where to tread lately. Forward, backward..new & old.
But in other news, nothing else seems to be falling into place regarding love and what not in general. I feel like I'm jammed between choosing again and I don't want to make the wrong decision--but I'm always making the wrong decision. Or maybe none of them are the right ones. Who knows, exactly.
Lately, I feel like I'm losing little things everyday. Like the process of a 'loss' is more than the initial 'losing' and it is instead something that validates itself with time..with every day that passes. I'm forgetting so much. Moments are becoming memories in front of me and, to say the least, it's a little disconcerting. Things I always thought would be recumbent by my being are drifting away and I'm changing too despite my stubborn efforts at maintaining Teressa as I know her. I'm struggling to care but it's like pleading to death ears. Like jabbing a needle into a stuffed animal to extricate blood that isn't there. Geh. O_O I'm trying my best at happiness now though.
Today I got my hair straightened in flushing. OH it looks like I was dunked in water and I can't shower for 2 days so as of right now I do not particularly like it...but I know that once I can wash it'll fall into place better. Not only that, but the straight hair accentuates the extra daily winter flab I've gained and I'm determined to hit the gym once school starts. I ate so much today. u_u
Flushing is always a nice time. It's what happens when I come home that morphs my day into despondency. I'm so confused about where to tread lately. Forward, backward..new & old.
But in other news, nothing else seems to be falling into place regarding love and what not in general. I feel like I'm jammed between choosing again and I don't want to make the wrong decision--but I'm always making the wrong decision. Or maybe none of them are the right ones. Who knows, exactly.
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