Thursday, April 30, 2009
Cough it up!
I am seriously concerned that I am on the brink of physically manifesting my anger and ripping this house to pieces.
Friday, April 24, 2009
"Just tell me that we're still friends at least, and I'll stop bothering you"
I've gotten so many messages like these this past week and a half from friends who did nothing wrong.
Tendrils of thinning cloud whipped down and broke upon the horizon; the sky was lit up with flecks of color that spilled around the powder paleness and made her remember threads and soft methodical hands and fabric from a different era of life. The air, like soup, was thick and seasoned with pollen dander and the narcotic effect of un-opened buds. She tasted it on her tongue and rolled it in the pocks of her cheek before exhaling, before blinking, before breathing and ordering limbs to continue their mechanical stride. Words were dripping out again; their withered exo-skeletons began to coat the pavement and suffocate the greenery. The lesser, more buoyant ones floated like fat puffs of steam and stuck to the blue above. Was all the color unsaid words ?-- she wondered as the sky became more festive and her stomach no longer drooped with extra weight at their extrication. She was light now, almost light enough to follow her counterparts into the soft stains of chroma but she remained with the earth and continued home. Her passivity (and I say this word with the most weight a word could possibly carry) was the reason that she still existed a breathing brain with rooted feet. An earth child instead of a snuff of air and dust.
She said this statement and wondered, as was typical, if there was a deeper reason she was here tonight on this road thinking these things. But she was the only listener; the speaker and the receiver who would haply rest with these unsaid thoughts and no one would hear their searching, groping, obtuseness; if not today, then not ever. And time would fray and wrinkle their meaning and the lack of a subpoena would leave her quiet testimony to settle dead and unheard by the impassive ears of the world. Or maybe they would help her float up when she grew too tired and nestle themselves thickly over blue, faded skin and joints. They might lay her to a final languorous rest and then snap and disappear.
But still, no one would hear.
Maybe the whole sky is filled with un-said words from other times and people..... and so she cried because she would never hear their lingering thoughts that she craved for solace. Everything was so much more beautiful than ocular attention demanded and everything was so quiet but still incredibly loud. And she simply did not have the right ears or eyes or comprehension to hear, see, or feel things the way she so desperately needed. She wanted to submerge, gulp, inhale, flux her tanned skin to soupy sky broth; drown in the pureness of color and never resurface.
Tendrils of thinning cloud whipped down and broke upon the horizon; the sky was lit up with flecks of color that spilled around the powder paleness and made her remember threads and soft methodical hands and fabric from a different era of life. The air, like soup, was thick and seasoned with pollen dander and the narcotic effect of un-opened buds. She tasted it on her tongue and rolled it in the pocks of her cheek before exhaling, before blinking, before breathing and ordering limbs to continue their mechanical stride. Words were dripping out again; their withered exo-skeletons began to coat the pavement and suffocate the greenery. The lesser, more buoyant ones floated like fat puffs of steam and stuck to the blue above. Was all the color unsaid words ?-- she wondered as the sky became more festive and her stomach no longer drooped with extra weight at their extrication. She was light now, almost light enough to follow her counterparts into the soft stains of chroma but she remained with the earth and continued home. Her passivity (and I say this word with the most weight a word could possibly carry) was the reason that she still existed a breathing brain with rooted feet. An earth child instead of a snuff of air and dust.
She said this statement and wondered, as was typical, if there was a deeper reason she was here tonight on this road thinking these things. But she was the only listener; the speaker and the receiver who would haply rest with these unsaid thoughts and no one would hear their searching, groping, obtuseness; if not today, then not ever. And time would fray and wrinkle their meaning and the lack of a subpoena would leave her quiet testimony to settle dead and unheard by the impassive ears of the world. Or maybe they would help her float up when she grew too tired and nestle themselves thickly over blue, faded skin and joints. They might lay her to a final languorous rest and then snap and disappear.
But still, no one would hear.
Maybe the whole sky is filled with un-said words from other times and people..... and so she cried because she would never hear their lingering thoughts that she craved for solace. Everything was so much more beautiful than ocular attention demanded and everything was so quiet but still incredibly loud. And she simply did not have the right ears or eyes or comprehension to hear, see, or feel things the way she so desperately needed. She wanted to submerge, gulp, inhale, flux her tanned skin to soupy sky broth; drown in the pureness of color and never resurface.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Oh, the future?
I've been thinking lately that, although it seems out of reach, the future is already burning holes through my brain and I should begin to prepare. My immediate thought had always been- Go to Korea and teach English for a year. I had no other pre-meditated plans.
However, I've been researching and the California State, Sacramento Graduate School seems pretty appealing. They have an English program and I can earn 9 credits from volunteering in the Peace Corps while attending school. That would be a dream. I could probably head to Korea for the summer months too and keep hold of that plan or, before I start my actual career, go to Korea for a year and make money to pay off my student loans. I think I am starting to have some sort of cohesive plan for the future. I mean, I doubt that I will follow this stringently, this is only the accumulation of one hour of thought but at least know more than I did before. I do not particularly want to stay in New York nor do I want to go someplace so strikingly different-- I would still like wherever I reside to be busy and proactive enough. Sunny California seems great. I always thought I'd go there, Boston, Washington, or stay in New York but move to the city. I also must travel as much as possible no matter how or where. I guess that seems to be the only criteria. And then there's the possibility of a law degree. Law is dry, but a degree in it is very tempting--if only for the useless society symbolism and respect it evokes in the dumb people around. o_o^^ hehe. sry~*
I just want to build a life that I'm proud of. You know, kind of like the SIMS but this time I'll make sure I don't get my savings stolen from my room-mate, lock my neighbors up in my house, or scare away my mom because my house smells so bad. It took three or four tries to finally learn how to live most perfectly in that game.
I sometimes regret that it might take a lifetime to correctly learn how to live in this one.
Hopes and expectations pour and drip out my eyes and skin and heart and I don't want them to shrivel to dust and settle thick on the rafters of a mediocre house and lost dream. Everybody's life eventually becomes an apple-wood box of paraphernalia, lost in some attic of debris and cobweb sinews and disconnected from the world. Disappearing silently seems to hold some form of comfort though; all I need to know is that I played the game right and un-locked all the possible items, events and weapons that I could before the ending credits roll by.
However, I've been researching and the California State, Sacramento Graduate School seems pretty appealing. They have an English program and I can earn 9 credits from volunteering in the Peace Corps while attending school. That would be a dream. I could probably head to Korea for the summer months too and keep hold of that plan or, before I start my actual career, go to Korea for a year and make money to pay off my student loans. I think I am starting to have some sort of cohesive plan for the future. I mean, I doubt that I will follow this stringently, this is only the accumulation of one hour of thought but at least know more than I did before. I do not particularly want to stay in New York nor do I want to go someplace so strikingly different-- I would still like wherever I reside to be busy and proactive enough. Sunny California seems great. I always thought I'd go there, Boston, Washington, or stay in New York but move to the city. I also must travel as much as possible no matter how or where. I guess that seems to be the only criteria. And then there's the possibility of a law degree. Law is dry, but a degree in it is very tempting--if only for the useless society symbolism and respect it evokes in the dumb people around. o_o^^ hehe. sry~*
I just want to build a life that I'm proud of. You know, kind of like the SIMS but this time I'll make sure I don't get my savings stolen from my room-mate, lock my neighbors up in my house, or scare away my mom because my house smells so bad. It took three or four tries to finally learn how to live most perfectly in that game.
I sometimes regret that it might take a lifetime to correctly learn how to live in this one.
Hopes and expectations pour and drip out my eyes and skin and heart and I don't want them to shrivel to dust and settle thick on the rafters of a mediocre house and lost dream. Everybody's life eventually becomes an apple-wood box of paraphernalia, lost in some attic of debris and cobweb sinews and disconnected from the world. Disappearing silently seems to hold some form of comfort though; all I need to know is that I played the game right and un-locked all the possible items, events and weapons that I could before the ending credits roll by.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
A day off, nice.
So warm and yellow out today, it felt like the time between Spring and Summer when every breeze smells of sunshine and grass and it made me feel happy again.
Today I had the whole day free almost because I had to attend a parent/student orientation for the Tanzania program. Dr. Arons personally introduced himself to my parents before the program started (only them).. maybe he sensed their extreme apprehension. My dad asked him to spell his name out for him after their awkward hand-shake and scribbled it down on his paper and then soon began dotting the loose leaf with dashes and bullets and prepared to take notes -_-. LoL. Oh dad. Anyway, after about 15 minutes, I grabbed a dunkin donut and was escorted out along with all of the other students and instructed to wait outside on these dilapidated looking tables adjacent to the pond in Jasmine. It was nice and we all got to know each other just a little bit. Everyone seems pleasant and friendly and I'm not worried anymore at all about their characters or what I will do after Tanzania. Many people seem to want to travel, so I'll have plenty of buddies to choose from.
After the orientation, which lasted roughly 2 hours me and my mom headed out to the mall. I bought new summer clothes, a wind breaker/rain-coat and a luggage. Then we stopped to get bi-bim bap and sushi take-out and I spent the remainder of the day ignoring phone calls and napping. I watched some korean drama, took peeko out and let him roam around my floor, had a great cucumber melon bath, read for about an hour and am satisfied that I am finally on track with my readings again. This feels great. I need a day off every week.
My list from the other day is much shorter!
+Inquire about that damn 110 dollar ticket
+Hand in the forms to Costco about study abroad
+Finish reading for EGL 226..about 100 more pages to go which is nothing
+Apply for Student Loan and hand in financial aid sheet
+Pay for Kim's ebay thing GRRRR I have no clue why it won't accept my debit card, but I pretty much just have to wait for my new one to come in and replace this temp. one
+ *new* Register for summer classes
+*new* Buy Sipro(?) anti-biotics, special bug-spray, a first aid kit, a book for class collectively with someone else, another SD card and another camera for me and Vincent
Alright, that list doesn't look nearly as bad as the last one :) Making lists has really helped me a lot. Seeing everything in some sort of tangible essence rather than just calculating it in my head is good. When I only materialize everything with thoughts, they all seem wispy and unimportant and I get nothing done. This makes my little chores more real.
I felt so bloated with words today and now I'm just content and sleepy from my bath and can't write anymore. Goodbye
Today I had the whole day free almost because I had to attend a parent/student orientation for the Tanzania program. Dr. Arons personally introduced himself to my parents before the program started (only them).. maybe he sensed their extreme apprehension. My dad asked him to spell his name out for him after their awkward hand-shake and scribbled it down on his paper and then soon began dotting the loose leaf with dashes and bullets and prepared to take notes -_-. LoL. Oh dad. Anyway, after about 15 minutes, I grabbed a dunkin donut and was escorted out along with all of the other students and instructed to wait outside on these dilapidated looking tables adjacent to the pond in Jasmine. It was nice and we all got to know each other just a little bit. Everyone seems pleasant and friendly and I'm not worried anymore at all about their characters or what I will do after Tanzania. Many people seem to want to travel, so I'll have plenty of buddies to choose from.
After the orientation, which lasted roughly 2 hours me and my mom headed out to the mall. I bought new summer clothes, a wind breaker/rain-coat and a luggage. Then we stopped to get bi-bim bap and sushi take-out and I spent the remainder of the day ignoring phone calls and napping. I watched some korean drama, took peeko out and let him roam around my floor, had a great cucumber melon bath, read for about an hour and am satisfied that I am finally on track with my readings again. This feels great. I need a day off every week.
My list from the other day is much shorter!
+Inquire about that damn 110 dollar ticket
+Hand in the forms to Costco about study abroad
+Finish reading for EGL 226..about 100 more pages to go which is nothing
+Apply for Student Loan and hand in financial aid sheet
+Pay for Kim's ebay thing GRRRR I have no clue why it won't accept my debit card, but I pretty much just have to wait for my new one to come in and replace this temp. one
+ *new* Register for summer classes
+*new* Buy Sipro(?) anti-biotics, special bug-spray, a first aid kit, a book for class collectively with someone else, another SD card and another camera for me and Vincent
Alright, that list doesn't look nearly as bad as the last one :) Making lists has really helped me a lot. Seeing everything in some sort of tangible essence rather than just calculating it in my head is good. When I only materialize everything with thoughts, they all seem wispy and unimportant and I get nothing done. This makes my little chores more real.
I felt so bloated with words today and now I'm just content and sleepy from my bath and can't write anymore. Goodbye
Monday, April 13, 2009
Hello 5am.
Been a while since I felt compelled to stay up so late and it's not because of the absence of exhaustion or the need to complete the unbelievable amount of work I have due for school on Tuesday. >:[ Maybe it's just a Teressa thing. A few months ago, I felt like staying up was an incurable malady but now I don't think it's so bad at all. Just an inescapable idiosyncrasy.
The holidays passed and they were more or less a pleasant enough experience. Dyed Easter eggs like I do every year, didn't make an Easter basket for anyone this year though, didn't go to church (hehe, not that I care o.O), didn't get peeps (first year without getting them :(... and it's weird to see how each year my holiday's are spent with a revolving group of people. In some aspect it's nice and change is refreshing, but I would much rather have a routine. Where I could say to someone -- "Hey, remember last year..ect ect" and we'd smile and shake our heads a bit and just be glad that some things never change. I took several other Easter pictures too but I really look so much larger than my previous self and I got so upset that after seeing them I had to jog around the block for twenty minutes.... even though I know that wouldn't do much of anything at this point. I really hate how I look right now and I am determined to get fit again no matter what. I resemble everyone who I labeled as 'chubby' just a year ago and I want to dieeee. >___< And I wish I was joking, but it couldn't be more seriously depressing.
On my jog around the block I thought about what type of house I'd realistically want when I was older. It would have to have wide windows that spanned the walls and feel very open; the angles would juxtapose and create a sense of fluidity, not entrapment. I would want light airy curtains like water that had no ties or pins and could just billow around and smell fresh. And I'd want a really nice wind-chime. One that would remind me of the changing seasons and of the comfort of home. Also, a garden would be essential but nothing that was manufactured. I'd want it to be over-grown; a progressive tribute to the un-touched and un-tampered with. As natural as a fenced in piece of earth could possibly be. I don't want rows of plants or bent up chicken wire around fruit and flowers. I just want their leaves and vines wrapped around everything and their roots stretched and spread everywhere. Oh, and a few draws full of nothing but candy and my own soft serve frozen yogurt machine, a tire swing and a tree house. I mean, I want a lot of other things too but those are the uncompromisable assets I MUST have.
Ran after Mr. Softee today with Ryan and when I jumped off his back from the piggy back ride, I sprained the top part of my foot. I wonder if it's just because I'm getting older o__o. Scary. I'm thinking of ideal houses, spraining my foot from jumping down a mere 1.5? feet off someone's back when I used to jump off swings at their highest point, actually contemplating the results of my actions in relation to my future every night till it is morning again and evaluating decisions and worrying. A lot. When did I become a typical boring adultish kind-of person ?
The existence of a future Teressa is scary and I still find myself comparing, thinking, wondering, doubting, feigning, trying, hoping, unsure.
Always calculating everything. Always a maelstrom of un-mentionable thoughts, skeptical action, and every perspective I can possibly conjure so I'm left just shrugging my shoulders and wide-eyed wondering if what I did was right and what to do next.
I wish I could sleep right now
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Scissor Lock
Yesterday I had one of the scariest dreams I've had in a long time. I realized I was dreaming and I was driving some sort of convertible car with the top peeled down and it was cloudy. When I consciously knew that I was still asleep and could attempt the 'lucid dream', I immediately drove the car off the road and over a cliff and relished the fact that my passengers thought they were going to die, but I knew I wouldn't because I was dreaming and would wake up in my bed safe and sound. And I did wake up but then I couldn't move :c Sleep paralysis strikes again. Boo.
Anyway, today at work was almost unbearable. I just ate a bowl of ramen for my first meal half an hour ago which will probably turn me into a ~whale-a-sourus~ but I couldn't eat all day and felt sick. The ramen is smelly :c I feel nauseated now too and I tried to jog but each time the soles of my feet hit the floor after being pushed up into the air my head pounds. >_< Headache. Eek.
I stayed in tonight because of a mixture of things and I feel okay. And I think I'm slowly getting a better grasp on what I'm doing/what needs to be done.
Waking up early to hand in my passport forms FINALLY tomorrow :) I also have to go get a capital one credit card ^___^ my first credit card. Momentous.
Reading this entry once I am back from Africa will be weird. I am so excited and filled with expectation now, I wonder how everything will turn out. Beginnings are nice. Starting anything new is nice. They come with the hope that there is so much more to expect and so many great things that could happen. I think I need more beginnings that aren't just preludes to an ending.
Anyway, today at work was almost unbearable. I just ate a bowl of ramen for my first meal half an hour ago which will probably turn me into a ~whale-a-sourus~ but I couldn't eat all day and felt sick. The ramen is smelly :c I feel nauseated now too and I tried to jog but each time the soles of my feet hit the floor after being pushed up into the air my head pounds. >_< Headache. Eek.
I stayed in tonight because of a mixture of things and I feel okay. And I think I'm slowly getting a better grasp on what I'm doing/what needs to be done.
Waking up early to hand in my passport forms FINALLY tomorrow :) I also have to go get a capital one credit card ^___^ my first credit card. Momentous.
Reading this entry once I am back from Africa will be weird. I am so excited and filled with expectation now, I wonder how everything will turn out. Beginnings are nice. Starting anything new is nice. They come with the hope that there is so much more to expect and so many great things that could happen. I think I need more beginnings that aren't just preludes to an ending.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
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