change :o

Today I applied to four CUNY schools and am looking forward to a prolific life in the city away from Stonybrook, the past, and the meaningless friendships I've made to merely survive. The prospect of leaving my house is exciting, though I'm worried about being lonely in a new and unfamiliar place. Maybe it's a situation that will be good for me though. Tuesday, I'm taking a trip to Ridgefield alone and getting my hair cut and dyed in a crazy and obnoxiously different fashion too. My piercing, my hair, my school, and a trip someplace make me want to cry. I have 600 dollars saved up for my trip so far though I have no clue where I would like to go. Anywhere is better than here though. I even ordered a new NIKON P80 camera (perfect to record my new memories) that I am very excited to get soon. My new pink blackberry cell phone should also arrive in the mail within the next week and I'll be able to contact people again :) I feel like life is finally going the way I planned and I'm scared and anxious and blooming with feelings I can't even put my finger on. I think I let go of the past too. Or at least I'm doing so day by day. It's more of a continuous process that happens in pieces really and I think thus far I've been successful. I guess that's what brought about these monumental changes actually.

These past two years I felt like my limbs were chained to something beneath the ground that would drag my cheeks down to mop the dirt. I don't want to feel like that anymore.

College life was great in the beginning. The times I spent were warm and memorable and then I met Eric and my social life disappeared into sweetness and fighting and a life that revolved around him. I lost so many people because of my volatile relationship and I never want that to happen again. I made the wrong friends, too. I've come to think, in fact, that I'm incapable of making friends based on my sociability and personality alone. I attracted sorority and fraternity life because of my outer appearance--I look like someone who would enjoy smoking, drinking and the endless nights of partying common-place on campus. It's offensive, but I never stopped to think about it and embraced those people around me as 'friends.' I wasted countless nights at parties and tried to force myself to be comfortable, all the while convincing myself that I was happy with the experiences I gained when I wasn't.

All I want are people who will play tag with me in the evening, watch cartoon marathons, and play iron-chef and jump off the swing contests. I hate drinking. I hate being around drunk people but I sensitized those feelings for my 'friends' and relationship. I don't want to do that anymoreeeee.

I miss the real good friends. I miss driving with the moon-roof down on a fall night and shouting to the world that it was my birthday and laughing so hard that it burned. I miss crashing kayaks into grassy inlets and the happiness I felt when I saw my first shooting star. I miss cold flushing mornings and warm potatoes and running through the rain arm-in-arm. I want to work towards these feelings again. Those times. That happiness.

I look back too much. I still do. Sometimes, each day is a process of convincing myself why I'm better off where I am now. I'm working to believe that I'm moving forward instead of lapping around in circles.

Generic Update?

So, I'm trying to just give a genuine look into my life thus far without dumb lyrics, quotes, and convoluted garble that I was prone to before.

I got an "industrial piercing" 2 days ago at a small tattoo parlor on Middle Country Road on the way home. I walked in and out within ten minutes and the whole process was very sporadic, very random, slightly painful, but felt ...good. Really good. I hardly ever have that sort of control in my life and the small privilege to make a decision without the worry of later tip-toeing around the repercussions was great; the piercing was indicative of gaining something I feel like I'm groping for each day. Meh. Dumb. I wish I could articulate those feelings better.

Also, I visited a psychic who talked mainly about my relationship and family life. It was interesting, a little generic, but refreshing in some way. And even though half of it seemed like some contrived bull shit, it made me want to be better too.. and anything that makes you feel like that can't be all that bad.

Today I weighed myself too. Almost 107 pounds and it's really depressing. I don't know why I've been gaining weight, but I need to stop. If I tell other people my apprehension, they scoff and think I'm being dumb since I know 107 is nowhere near 'obese,' so I can't. I really feel that I was at my happiest at 99 pounds though and that's where I want to be again. At that weight, every article of clothing looked great and I didn't dread looking in the mirror. I need to believe I can feel that again. Hmm. Anorexia? Just kidding. But seriously. I think it's about time that I went on a real workout regime. I just want to push forward with self-improvement.

gogogo fightiiiiing~~!!~!~! >:o

She smelled like cookies :3

and she smiled at me and had a parka on. The store was chilly. The great metal lights swung across the tops of our brains and made her uneasy. She commented on their precarious sweeps.

And as she walked away, I immediately thought of how easy it would be to love her.

I want to know everyone. It's upsetting that I can't and it feels like I'm missing out.

What's a blog, anyway--

Well well well....
Hi! This is awkward. And my first post. So here I go shooting the breeze with myself; or maybe I have a listener. O_O
Do I want listeners?

Ahhh. When I think about that, when I REALLY sit down and think of speaking to a specific audience, I freeze. My tongue, my convictions, my thoughts, all become less fluid and then suddenly I'm sifting through a repository of words lodged in my brain, wondering what specific term would sound most adequate and well-received....rather than just allowing my feelings and worries their own untampered trajectories. What do I really feel. What do I want to say. Hell, most of the time I don't even know. Even what I just wrote now, it doesn't feel totally genuine to what I had meant to portray. Pretty words. Lost feelings. But I won't edit it. Gosh, I hate me sometimes >_< lol.

Life has left me arrested to a mosh-pit of work and my own emotional flotsam and confusion. School makes me apprehensive lately; I haven't been to class in three weeks and now I'm scared to go again. It's like everything in my life. I don't have the heart to stay in, I don't have the will to go out. wah wah wah. I'm really trying fleece apart all of these thoughts that I've been having lately. And sleep seems so sweet and light and simple and right, but I just can't allow myself the transaction of rest at the cost of thought... and I wind up staying up till 5am everyday. It's kind of annoying actually. Why am I REALLY bothered--I don't know. But every little brush feels like a continuous rip that's about to be pulled apart and separated. Like I'm going to be separated in some weird, overtly emo way. But hey! Let's not get the wrong impression about how I am lately. Life has been treating me well and I have no major complaints. I'm pretty sure I'm happy. I mean, I have no reason not to be. But then, do we ever really have reason enough for that?

This blog thing is okay. I'll write more later.