OH GOD

It smells like dog defecation in my room. Chiyo. Why. I will now go die.

Hm.

"Do you think I'm wonderful? she asked him one day as they leaned against the trunk of a petrified maple. No, he said. Why? Because so many girls are wonderful. I imagine hundreds of men have called their loves wonderful today, and it's only noon. You couldn't be something that hundreds of others are."

- Everything is Illuminated

GUREE

I decided to stay in solitary confinement today since I am not allowed to shower until tomorrow even though there was an exciting party in the city filled with the most beautiful women I'd ever probably have a chance to interact with. Still, I have been watching GLEE and drinking cola and eating cookies and I'm gonna go ahead and say this was a good choice. Chiyo is so smart and she knows how to shake hands with me now and sit down and sit up. Besides that, I am quietly anticipating the new semester and being able to really work hard at school and work hard at a fit body. Yes. YES.

As far as decision making goes, I am probably not in a good position to decide anything as of lately. Three months later and I still find myself faltering even though my thoughts are 95 percent preoccupied by others. But I still can not choose between those others. I wish I was not always saying "I don't know." Why can't I be the person who passionately says yes or no to something--why must someone always come to me and leave me dumb-founded when they confess their love...I'm eternally the stuttering idiot who lost her tongue. God. I am always the one receiving and then unsure how much or what to receive... or how to even give it back.

I hate the situations you put me in. Hell, I hate you.

The Littlest Things

I have returned. Though I've tried to start other blogs, they all wind up spiraling into something that is far too embarrassing to ever re-read. In fact, my last one had about 20 posts all pertaining to how horrible life was and how I hated being 21.>_< Eek. This one, while far from being 'cheery,' at least had more introspective thought than "HATE LIFE. NEED DEATH. RAWR RAWR RAWR" So I'm going to keep it and just continue on.

Lately, I feel like I'm losing little things everyday. Like the process of a 'loss' is more than the initial 'losing' and it is instead something that validates itself with time..with every day that passes. I'm forgetting so much. Moments are becoming memories in front of me and, to say the least, it's a little disconcerting. Things I always thought would be recumbent by my being are drifting away and I'm changing too despite my stubborn efforts at maintaining Teressa as I know her. I'm struggling to care but it's like pleading to death ears. Like jabbing a needle into a stuffed animal to extricate blood that isn't there. Geh. O_O I'm trying my best at happiness now though.

Today I got my hair straightened in flushing. OH it looks like I was dunked in water and I can't shower for 2 days so as of right now I do not particularly like it...but I know that once I can wash it'll fall into place better. Not only that, but the straight hair accentuates the extra daily winter flab I've gained and I'm determined to hit the gym once school starts. I ate so much today. u_u

Flushing is always a nice time. It's what happens when I come home that morphs my day into despondency. I'm so confused about where to tread lately. Forward, backward..new & old.

But in other news, nothing else seems to be falling into place regarding love and what not in general. I feel like I'm jammed between choosing again and I don't want to make the wrong decision--but I'm always making the wrong decision. Or maybe none of them are the right ones. Who knows, exactly.