Isn't it weird

that if someone is interested in you, you can almost immediately tell if you will be interested in them within the first five minutes of interaction? Of course, this is a culmination of attitude, looks, personality, stimuli response, maybe even gland secretion we don't pick up on consciously but STILL. You know when someone possesses the ability to breach the friend barrier and conversely, when they will always, no matter how well you get along or how 'perfect' they may later be compatibility wise...I repeat ALWAYS stay stagnant in the friend zone. I wonder why this is. People I choose to date aren't particularly attractive and I can readily admit when not blinded by love and affection that I have friends I'd never consider dating that are more appealing than my past boyfriends in terms of looks--yet still. It's some weird soupy mixture that's hard to pin point. With that being said, I realize how difficult it is to truly find somebody 'special' and have decided not to sit by recumbent and let them get away if I did. And someone came along in December who I found to be most likable and sweet. And yet, it's really confusing.

I miss the showy affection of my first relationship. The sappy profile pictures littered with each other that sometimes matched, the cute public messages that made some people gag, the simple act of holding hands on campus and everyone being able to identify us as a unit rather than individuals. I miss piggy backing through campus and rolling down grassy hills together, sitting on staller steps and looking at clouds while waving at people we knew that passed. I miss...a lot.

"Seeing someone" just isn't the same as being some body's girlfriend. Not even close.

Still, what right do I have to complain?

So much coughin I should be a mortician

I am sick of coughing so profusely that I have to throw up. Sigh.

On a side note but in lieu of ECASSU and a serendipitous moment I had there with my first ex....

Losing things always perturbs me. No matter what I say or how I reassure myself--I will always be sad about everything changing and about relations with people being ephemeral and lost since life itself is essentially about loss and gain and the dynamics between said two. A parity I have yet to find.

My brain feels weighed down with worry sometimes that I'm doing everything wrong and that I'll miss what I let go of now in some eventual epiphany that I grievously miscalculated. I just want so much from life..to keep so many things.. that sometimes, I find myself in a weird panic. I rack my mind to remember every moment, every memory precisely, every smell, every brush..little things like songs people liked to hum when we were close friends or the way they moved their hands when they spoke in an exaggerated tone. And when I realize I can't remember everything the way I once might have...... I start to feel sick. Like I'm losing it. Like I'm losing them. Even though I probably already lost them in someway, but now I can't even hold the remnants of memories and I'm letting go all over again. It's horribly depressing.

You know what would be really neat? If when we die, someone organized a slideshow of random moments from our lives that we got to watch. We could see it from 3rd person perspective and maybe moments we could no longer recount but should be able to ...like laughing with a friend over something dumb a random day that had no real consequence to the future..maybe stuff like that would show up all the time cause that's what's really important in the end. Fuck the white light at the end of a tunnel shit. I want a slide-show.

I can't stop coughinggggg. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop feeling bad about all of this for some reason. It's just hard to trust in yourself and your decisions when you've fucked up for 21 years of your existence, you know.

strange fruit recap

This is a Durian..a strange fruit. The insides were the consistency of pudding and it smelled like sulfurous dead carcass when opened. (March 2nd)



And this is a dragon fruit. ^^^^VVVVV both opened and un-opened. Very pretty and very good. (March 2nd)




:)