Sometimes I think..

that nothing can be as vile or unoriginal and depressing as humans generally are. Hehhehehe. Mean humans o_O

I talked to a friend recently who had a frightening lack of empathy for anything or anyone other than himself. Frightening because it made me question the universal quality of his thought process. I know we all do things for 'benefits' even those bereft of recognition or tangible reward because it is still beneficial to us 'feelings' wise but the pride he took in his uncanny ability to succeed(?) in life was disturbing. He laughed when he said he used his ex-girlfriend for sex and thought it was hilarious when he spoke about her crying if he perchance didn't call. The self-absorbed commentary that spewed out over his lips like defecation from the wrong hole made me sick. >_< He spoke of utilizing people, of using and then disposing them...and I suppose this disturbed me because he is as I mentioned before relatively, an 'average' human. It made me worry if I was like that too but just glossed it over better. We all have our flashes of conceit right? I often wonder if we even possess 'personality' or if my likes and dislikes, my wants and needs are all a collection of environmental stimuli. Am I just a mimicry of compacted media personality and social interaction? What part is me ? Am I just as bad as that friend --what is worse? A human who reflects their true selfish ambitions that we are all subject to? Or the other who is encased in a false facade because society says that one should rebel against ideas of selfish ambition but who would just as easily become that 'selfish' person if society deemed that the righteous thing to do. >_< I can't believe I would act the same if everything around me preached different. Obv. not, right? Ewww.

I don't know who I am. I always felt as though I have a strong handle on it, but music and taste and thoughts that I've had have already changed greatly within these past four years. Even my typing has changed these past months because of who I interact with most. I can't just chalk up changing to getting older. It has to do with my revolving group of friends and surroundings. Sigh. Influential jerk Teressa ;_; This was dumb ramble. ANYWAY--


Met a cute man today who travels to Kenya every year and who is friends with Dr. Arons. I really can't wait to go to Tanzania. I hope it becomes the catalyst to many more trips. Why do I want to take trips ? For a change of scenery, for an injection of excitement in life, for relaxation ? I'm not sure if any of these apply.

Death comes to mind, for some reason. Home and sedentary action has always disturbed me though it is meant to be warm and enjoyable. The paint and wood and ceramic feel suffocating in a house all the time. So I suppose I don't want to travel for recreation, but as a form of escape? To escape the death that exists in routine. Comfortability can be deadly.

zZz sleepy goodnight~~~*