Wishes

Other than animals whose deaths I've generally taken with ease besides a few weeks of mourning, no one I really loved has ever died. It's quite simple. To distinguish if I love somebody, I always imagine how I'd react to them passing away. Sometimes it would be sadness, most of the time disinterest, sometimes pity and a strong desire to help those who would be affected by said person's death. But then, there's a very small hand-ful of people who, the idea of death, can't seem to touch. My brain can't function and compute the idea of 'death' and them and so I get confused and bothered.

Those are the people I love the most. I can't imagine a life worth living beyond them and couldn't even begin to comprehend moving forward; it would be a life where their absence is greater and more gaping and glaring than their presence. Than anyone's presence could possibly make up for, really. These are the people I passionately love. There's not many.

You know, I never really lost something I didn't eventually miss. I've let go of relationships and friendships, acquaintances, times and places and even though they slip away un-noticed at the given moment, I always find myself reminiscing at one point or another.Wondering where they went and if they might care to remember me too. My trip to Korea and sequential trip to China seemed to encompass everything I'm talking about. People I bonded with that I never saw again, places that are more hazy and ephemeral than real. Why did that one boy travel alone back then? How old is Simon now? Yuna, a girl at camp, cried when we left and I didn't. Did it really take me years to realize what she comprehended within a few minutes? That we would never see each other again and it was a time for mourning. Why does this bother me years later. I wish I could have cried then with her.

Another thought that does not seem to hold value on this trajectory of random thoughts .....>

I can't seem to grasp the concept that I will one day be forty years old. I used to wonder if it was human intuition, perhaps I knew that death would find me before then and that's why dreams of marriage and grand children were never coherent with my proper train of thought. Like maybe there was a reason I could not envision a future. But now, I think I'm just greedy. It's the most eery feeling when you realize you're sitting on your bed, sitting on a raised piece of wood and fluff and enclosed in four walls. I can't explain it, but I feel awkward and then I feel trapped and then I feel worried because this won't be my room forever like a dusty museum piece and in time it will change as everything is subject to change. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to, for the life of me, remember what my room looks like while I'm at work or school.. and then I have this pre-conceived image of my room that I compare with what I actually see when I get home. How did I forget to draw my Togepi card, my italian mask, the chips in the blind from when I owned Mika and she bit them, the rolled up N64 controllers. I was just in my room a few hours ago. How did I forget?! When this happens I get scared. I get so scared that my brain is faulty and I spend everyday in my room and can't even correctly imprint it onto my memory. What about things I care about that I don't necessarily see as often ? Should I take pictures? Videos? What can I do to makes sure that I lose nothing when I know life is about loss and gain ? What can I possibly do to preserve the happiness I feel now without it becoming almost meaningless later ? I guess I'm just being stupid now. Not like what you leave is important compared to what you have at the time. And something that made you happy is always existent even if it doesn't at this very moment. Aha. DUmby dumb dumb. Such a weird stream of consciousness this entry isssssssssss. I'm scared to read it over.

If I could have any wish in the world, it would be for those people that I love most to be healthy and we all die at the same time. I think I could live life peacefully if only I had that.