Been a while since I felt compelled to stay up so late and it's not because of the absence of exhaustion or the need to complete the unbelievable amount of work I have due for school on Tuesday. >:[ Maybe it's just a Teressa thing. A few months ago, I felt like staying up was an incurable malady but now I don't think it's so bad at all. Just an inescapable idiosyncrasy.
The holidays passed and they were more or less a pleasant enough experience. Dyed Easter eggs like I do every year, didn't make an Easter basket for anyone this year though, didn't go to church (hehe, not that I care o.O), didn't get peeps (first year without getting them :(... and it's weird to see how each year my holiday's are spent with a revolving group of people. In some aspect it's nice and change is refreshing, but I would much rather have a routine. Where I could say to someone -- "Hey, remember last year..ect ect" and we'd smile and shake our heads a bit and just be glad that some things never change. I took several other Easter pictures too but I really look so much larger than my previous self and I got so upset that after seeing them I had to jog around the block for twenty minutes.... even though I know that wouldn't do much of anything at this point. I really hate how I look right now and I am determined to get fit again no matter what. I resemble everyone who I labeled as 'chubby' just a year ago and I want to dieeee. >___< And I wish I was joking, but it couldn't be more seriously depressing.
On my jog around the block I thought about what type of house I'd realistically want when I was older. It would have to have wide windows that spanned the walls and feel very open; the angles would juxtapose and create a sense of fluidity, not entrapment. I would want light airy curtains like water that had no ties or pins and could just billow around and smell fresh. And I'd want a really nice wind-chime. One that would remind me of the changing seasons and of the comfort of home. Also, a garden would be essential but nothing that was manufactured. I'd want it to be over-grown; a progressive tribute to the un-touched and un-tampered with. As natural as a fenced in piece of earth could possibly be. I don't want rows of plants or bent up chicken wire around fruit and flowers. I just want their leaves and vines wrapped around everything and their roots stretched and spread everywhere. Oh, and a few draws full of nothing but candy and my own soft serve frozen yogurt machine, a tire swing and a tree house. I mean, I want a lot of other things too but those are the uncompromisable assets I MUST have.
Ran after Mr. Softee today with Ryan and when I jumped off his back from the piggy back ride, I sprained the top part of my foot. I wonder if it's just because I'm getting older o__o. Scary. I'm thinking of ideal houses, spraining my foot from jumping down a mere 1.5? feet off someone's back when I used to jump off swings at their highest point, actually contemplating the results of my actions in relation to my future every night till it is morning again and evaluating decisions and worrying. A lot. When did I become a typical boring adultish kind-of person ?
The existence of a future Teressa is scary and I still find myself comparing, thinking, wondering, doubting, feigning, trying, hoping, unsure.
Always calculating everything. Always a maelstrom of un-mentionable thoughts, skeptical action, and every perspective I can possibly conjure so I'm left just shrugging my shoulders and wide-eyed wondering if what I did was right and what to do next.
I wish I could sleep right now
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