change :o

Today I applied to four CUNY schools and am looking forward to a prolific life in the city away from Stonybrook, the past, and the meaningless friendships I've made to merely survive. The prospect of leaving my house is exciting, though I'm worried about being lonely in a new and unfamiliar place. Maybe it's a situation that will be good for me though. Tuesday, I'm taking a trip to Ridgefield alone and getting my hair cut and dyed in a crazy and obnoxiously different fashion too. My piercing, my hair, my school, and a trip someplace make me want to cry. I have 600 dollars saved up for my trip so far though I have no clue where I would like to go. Anywhere is better than here though. I even ordered a new NIKON P80 camera (perfect to record my new memories) that I am very excited to get soon. My new pink blackberry cell phone should also arrive in the mail within the next week and I'll be able to contact people again :) I feel like life is finally going the way I planned and I'm scared and anxious and blooming with feelings I can't even put my finger on. I think I let go of the past too. Or at least I'm doing so day by day. It's more of a continuous process that happens in pieces really and I think thus far I've been successful. I guess that's what brought about these monumental changes actually.

These past two years I felt like my limbs were chained to something beneath the ground that would drag my cheeks down to mop the dirt. I don't want to feel like that anymore.

College life was great in the beginning. The times I spent were warm and memorable and then I met Eric and my social life disappeared into sweetness and fighting and a life that revolved around him. I lost so many people because of my volatile relationship and I never want that to happen again. I made the wrong friends, too. I've come to think, in fact, that I'm incapable of making friends based on my sociability and personality alone. I attracted sorority and fraternity life because of my outer appearance--I look like someone who would enjoy smoking, drinking and the endless nights of partying common-place on campus. It's offensive, but I never stopped to think about it and embraced those people around me as 'friends.' I wasted countless nights at parties and tried to force myself to be comfortable, all the while convincing myself that I was happy with the experiences I gained when I wasn't.

All I want are people who will play tag with me in the evening, watch cartoon marathons, and play iron-chef and jump off the swing contests. I hate drinking. I hate being around drunk people but I sensitized those feelings for my 'friends' and relationship. I don't want to do that anymoreeeee.

I miss the real good friends. I miss driving with the moon-roof down on a fall night and shouting to the world that it was my birthday and laughing so hard that it burned. I miss crashing kayaks into grassy inlets and the happiness I felt when I saw my first shooting star. I miss cold flushing mornings and warm potatoes and running through the rain arm-in-arm. I want to work towards these feelings again. Those times. That happiness.

I look back too much. I still do. Sometimes, each day is a process of convincing myself why I'm better off where I am now. I'm working to believe that I'm moving forward instead of lapping around in circles.