RANT

I feel like my chest is saturated with anger and I don't know what to do, or how to handle it other than typing this dumb and meaningless rant.

I can't stand it sometimes.

Everyday I remember something new that I lost when my mother, with her reactionary anger, went crazy and threw everything of my 20 years of existence (over-dramatic..) away and it makes me feel overwhelmed at times. What am I to her? A little puppet in the cavity of her home ? A child without feeling, another one of her gaudy collectible dolls? How could she take everything that was tangibly precious to me and discard of it so easily? Pictures, books, notes, folded up diary entries, sentimental gifts, videos--nothing was spared. Forget the clothes or money or games I've also collected over the year because it was never about monetary value. Ever. And I always act like everything is Okay, but each day is like losing something new and so akin to my pride and my feelings of worth as a human just seem to diminish each time I realize how easy it was for her to kick me out and make me live miserably for 3 weeks in a stupid little dorm with the worst feelings ever.

I don't think I had ever been so depressed in my entire life and it wasn't the absence of clothes or a car or a phone that got to me--
it was the absence of friends. Of having someone there who cared.

Why did I stay with Eric; someone who took 300 dollars from me when I didn't even have enough money to buy myself socks. Someone who made me wait in the cold for him for two hours because he promised to pick me up and never showed up. How fucking humiliating. I was reduced to waiting for rides that never came, sitting alone in rooms without the conversation of even a TV and told to wait patiently like a child while he went out drinking and then stumbled back drunk, stupid and puking while I cleaned up the aftermath. And yet...why was I so happy to see him every time he came back. Why did I run over to him smiling like he was the greatest thing in the world since he was helping me out just to get told that I was a sickening burden to him that he shouldn't have to deal with. Fuck me.

I cried almost every night those 3 weeks but I convinced everyone that I was having the time of my life and an unreasonable part of me wants to complain...

or not complain, wish rather, someone knew me better than everything.

I'm pitying myself now. Fuck that.

But I just feel so useless sometimes when the people I love the most treat everything so carelessly. I suppose it's my fault too, acting in such an apathetic way but I do care. I care so much.

And now I'm home and nothing has changed. Circumstantially, some of it is my fault. My parents are never totally un-fair I suppose.

And today. Why would you do that? Such a silly and thought-less thing that I shouldn't care about but--
I really don't understand how I'm not worth more than that to you.

God, I fucking hate everything sometimes. :/ New Years 09 come soon
this entry stinks :( swirly self-pity everywhere wahwahwah but i just needed to write it, for once.
I just had to vent >:|