Barbeque weather

Left work and came home. I'm not sure if that was the wisest idea, but I wouldn't be enjoyable company at Minerva's anyway. The weather is sticky and sweet like donut sugar and I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. Cut off a man driving home when I pulled out of Costoc and he swerved over to the next lane and as we both stopped at a red-light, he started to scream.

I couldn't breathe this morning because my throat was so dry and I woke up sputtering and coughing and unable to stop after I had finally fallen asleep for 20 or so minutes. Very weird. I've had no other physical malady's other than my throat feeling like sand had been funneled down the esophagus. No usual, throbbing headache. Just dryness, throat constriction and lethargy.

I've been thinking a lot about the validity of my feelings. Should I even be allowed to feel thrown off balance, miserable, sad? I was the one who prompted everything so it doesn't seem fair that I am even affected by it. It doesn't seem fair that I would ever come back either.... after causing suffering to someone because then the suffering meant nothing. I was gone and back and they suffered when they didn't have to; since I came back anyway. But if I stay away, what wins then? I can find no solace anywhere, in anything I might do.

I have never experienced someone I really loved moving forward and dating someone else and I am going to predict that I would go crazy. I have been the person who wanted to continue when the other fervently wanted to give up, but I have never learned grace or tact when dealing with that. How can people be so strong ? When I wanted to be with someone, I was liquid putty that cried and begged and pleaded and called (to no exaggeration) 40+times in a row. I am so weak. Such a baby.

Still, even when I am not the person 'broken' up with, I am still finding myself depressed and shattered. I can exert more control only because of my lack of phone really. And while I'm trying to be fair, because after all this was my choice, I am just realizing that I have done a better job at extricating my options than even I anticipated. Going back ever seems impossible and it would contradict the suffering I am super-imposing upon someone. What do I do. Will this be like when I realized how warm the library really was? How close me and Kim and Katherine were until I abused it? How good of a place I was at, during freshman year at Stony Brook? How much Eric had loved me the first time we dated in 2007 before I fucked up? Just another thing that I morph into something ugly and ruined.

I am missing, terribly