Happy Muddah's Day

No car, no phone, no problem !

I am getting an awesome new Helio phone as soon as I get my next paycheck (this Friday) and I can hardly wait! It's really cute and has the best ring tones, animated backgrounds and picture templates. My little blackberry with the dilapidated screen and missing plastic back was long due to be put to rest. The weather was beautiful today too; I really just wish I had a car so I could drive with my knee inclined and my hand rolling around balls of air out the window. Ryan dropped me off at work and we split a delicious chicken bake and soda. Yum. Soon he'll be leaving though so I won't really have any outlet to siphon away the drab reality of a phone-less, car-less imprisonment life but it won't be till May 20th and then class for Tanzania starts May 25th, so I suppose I'll always be busy. Photo was easy and a majority of my time was spent catching up on gossip magazines, solitaire fortunes and my EGL 226 book, Obasan. I have two finals this Thursday and they're starting to make me a bit worried and apprehensive; a 'bit' worried being an understatement. But then again, I'm not really one to be pulled into the contemptuous fear of grades and future and finals so I'm pretty okay ^_^

I also realized last night that I needed a turtle! They reside in Flushing for a mere five dollars; little quarter sized green turtles that float around in water and love. When I get back from Tanzania, Franklin the turtle will be mineeeeee. He will live in my West Apartment at Stony Brook. Any one will be welcome to visit

Mother's Day was spent away from the home this year. What did I do last year I wonder? I remember Freshman year I studied for a Math final in Calculus I and helped my mom plant flowers in between those long stretches of room confinement. I only remember that though because Eric had asked me to go to his sister's graduation and I couldn't since the final was the following day and my mom wanted me home for some portion of Mother's Day...therefore resulting in HIS mother hatefully condemning me as disrespectful to the family. o___o. Aha. Oh boy. Weird memories. Anyway, yeah. Following that up, I now remember that last year I was job-less around this time and had recently quit the library in lieu of my mom taking my car and clothes which resulted in my inability to get to work. It was so embarrassing that I just quit. Meh. Anyway, I remember I still scrounged up enough money to buy her mascara and some other miscellaneous item since I knew she needed it. And she was offended :( Seems every holiday gets worse. Seems every year the thread frays a little more until whatever I had suspended...was it love? caring? I'm not sure anymore. I just know that that bundle of feeling is at the risk of snapping and falling too deeply for me to fish it out anymore.

This year, the only thing we exchanged was a deep inhalation of anger. A meeting of skin for a split second and the recognition that we were both alive. Yikes. Next year please be good~

I'm too tired to write nicely. I can't seem to construct anything that can portray my feelings now. It's the cracked feeling of air caught in your gut that travels through your throat and brain. A loss of temperance. Just feeling swollen and blistered from underneath the smooth taut-ness of skin. Leathery, beaten textures transposed into emotion? No crutches, no tissuey shoulders, not even a flimsy dependence. I feel disgusting. What is this precise feeling? It's resting liquid at the bottom of my stomach. Embarrassment associated with nakedness. Loss of dignity. Shame. That's the closest word. It's a feeling I get randomly that I never knew how to correctly label. I wonder why it happens. Hmm.


My eyes feel creased and worn. My body feels porous. I feel exhausted in every inch and angle of bone and blood. At a loss. Maybe I'll keep it simple with the word 'defeated.'