Complacency

"And unlike the stronger me before, I just sat there hysterical a little while longer. I don't know why I couldn't get up. Why a sudden myriad of thoughts on how great it would be to not exist or just to redo college. How wonderful it could all be.

So, is this it? Fucking heart.

I curled up in my car for 20 minutes after finally leaving my sad stoop until I thought I should go home. Moping never made anyone love you.

But then, what did?"



I am trying to think of what would elicit such an outpour of emotion presently and I am groping around to find nothing. Ha. Of course, this little journal excerpt is a much lesser evil than the pathetic drawl in most of my other descriptive entries...so the weight it holds might not appear as great. However, I view it as the apotheosis of all the hidden things I tucked away. I was different. And this was not Teressa as she exists now. I was a girl who could cry, man. LoL. A girl who could rush out of the house at 4am in desperation to rectify something broken and would ask and wonder, according to the entry, how to make someone love her. God, did I fucking harp on that question all the time. I was someone humble, someone meek, someone unhappy but still someone unrelenting and searching to acquire some parity in such an imbalanced relationship without letting go. I was someone who was willing to just...you know, give it there all in laymens terms.

Maybe the best years of my college career have already passed in a quick chemical explosion as soft as feather or settling dust... and I didn't even notice or acknowledge my fortune until three years later. I was happiest and saddest and just colored with the most feeling and I regret how it ebbed away like a wave without my aknowlegement of its warm archaic power. Will that happen again? Maybe I am really at a place in life that is amazing but I am just unable to comprehend it now? Maybe that's how all my life will be; realization after action after inaction.

I am wanting something, hard. That ability to miss, to cry, to get so worked up that I choke and sputter and sit outside begging for deliverance in the form of a simple embrace when pride is my most prized ally. In some aspects, I hate the 'weakened' version of myself that has no control and is only fueled by carnal emotion. But in other ways, I think I crave it.