MMM air conditioning

Sitting on Ryan's bed right now with a lap top balanced on my legs, Indian-style. King of the hill providing muffled background sounds, kitchen water running, Conor and Greg stretched comfortably next to me talking about WarCraft. Thoughts pulsing in my mind like the red coal swathed under the fire pit last night. I didn't go home yesterday and called into work today. It was lazy, comfortable, a smidge depressing to be honest.

And I didn't cry just because my mom took away my resources and because my best friend thought I was unreliable and didn't know how I wished more than anything to see her and have my feelings reformatted to 'okay' for even two hours. I'm going to try to admonish the larger words, the poetic anecdotes I'm still prone to and just record my feelings this very second as candidly as I can.

I feel shitty, man. I feel disconnected from everything, unable to accept people or the contingent idea that I am unable to accept people. In a measure of percentages, I feel at the higher tier, creeping along the very edge of my entire threshold of sadness about 45 % everyday. I feel listless and fucking retarded. I wrote a note of apology that sounded like a pathetic attempt at a eulogistic goodbye note and right now I want to go home, tear it up and chew it to watery bits. I want to scream at people for not knowing how I feel but I don't want to share and would rather light heartedly joke and turn my mom's rage, my loneliness, my vagabond status ..into funny stories that I can share and laugh about on an over-stuffed couch in starbucks. Even that damn psychologist from Stony Brook came to view my portrayal of life as gauzy and light as gossamer. I have no faith in anyone or anything in the world possibly ever making me happy even though I am constantly and hypocritically preaching to others that happiness is an intrinsic event that happens naturally, like blinking but I am always questioning the validity of my advice now and just saying empty things in accordance to my normal 'teressa' personality. I feel like the line that graphs my life already reached a peak, leveled out and now is just sloping down. OKAY. wait. stupid comparisons and shit again.

I just feel like the idea of 'entrapment' has bleached itself into my skin and become a feeling I can't scrub away.

I cried because nothing is okay nor can I envision a time when it will be okay; down this metaphoric tunnel there is no far-reaching light. Because I can't even freely write how I feel without immediate regret and embarrassment so I'll choose not to, at least here.

I promise I'll be nothing but sunshine and fluff and time with me won't reflect the pressing turmoil I feel every couple hours of everyday from now on, if that makes you happy.